where do men find the audacity?

Okay… something I can ALWAYS get behind is highlighting the issues with men in our society. And what better way to do this then a dating story sent in by someone I am close with.

Personally, I have had my fair share of bad/traumatic experiences during the time I serially dated in my late teens. Do I miss dating? Absolutely not. Do I miss the endless opportunities to roast men? Fuck yeah!

Maybe I’ll make this a series…

Let’s get into it.

This is a text message sent to me by someone I know…for anonymity we will call this guy Maxwell.

   "Ok so I think I told you I went on a date with a guy [Maxwell] last Thursday. 
   I wasn't overly interested but decided to give it a 2nd shot. He suggested we do a dinner and a movie which I knew he was planning on my place [lives with roommates]. I wasn't sure how I felt about having him over/knowing where I lived but I finally decided to just do it. 
   So, he suggested Tuesday. I said I was free but with the snow coming idk what my commute would look like, and I may end up cancelling. He suggested we just plan for Wednesday. I said that was fine.
    On our date last Thursday, he mentioned wanting to take things slow and asked that I respect that. When we left, he went in to kiss me and tried to make out. I was not having any of that and kept my mouth shut. I really didn't even care to talk to him and barely talked to him over the weekend. 
   He got to my place last night. He asked me to show him around. We got to the 2nd level, and I said, 'well this is almost everything, kitchen, bath, guest bedroom, living room'. We went upstairs [3rd level] and I said, 'that's my bedroom', as I pointed to the slightly closed door. He said it was nice. Then goes, 'come here, I want to see you', as he bear hugs me. Then he said he missed me, I let out a snicker and didn't say anything. Then he suggested to go down and get a movie started. He said he was hungry too [picked up canes for them]. 
   I sat down on the couch, and he made sure to be sitting fairly close to me. I started the movie and then he kept talking. So, I said maybe we should pause the movie while we eat and chat and then we can watch the movie after. He was mentioning that he does a few sports leagues, all in Prescott [a city a decent commute away from location] so he hopes that doesn't bother me. I said nope, you can do what you want. 

***Side note***I have gotten the ick about 20 times so far. But my one question, PICK ME BOY MUCH??? 

   Finally started the movie which he talked through most the time and if he wasn't [talking] he was heavy breathing. He moved himself a little closer to me, so we were sitting right next to each other and then he grabbed my hand to hold. Tried to kiss me about every 20 minutes and again always trying to makeup. Like no ***disgusting***. 
   The movie we were watching was friends going as dates to weddings and traveling [to the weddings]. He asked if I've ever flown to a wedding. I said no, just driven to one outside of Wisconsin Dells. He asked what resort we stayed at. I said we weren't actually in the dells, just nearby. He mentions that he does a trip there most years but this year they are going to Disneyland. Per Maxwell, 'my mom was like yeah you can bring her, and I was like well mom let's see where things go". Meaning he's told at least his mom about me and also inviting me on their family vacation [this was the 2nd date and only have known each other for a week]. 
   I didn't say anything and continued to just concentrate on the movie. He asked what I am doing this Tuesday as his birthday is Monday [of course he is a Pisces].  He has 4 tickets to the Wild game, and he'd love if I would come, and I could bring a friend. He is bringing a buddy so there would still be 2 tickets. I said I'll let you know. Eventually he's holding my hand and has his other arm going across me. We finally finished the movie and again he tries to make out. I haven't allowed him to make out with me the entire night. 
   Then he goes, well what's on your mind, did you like the movie? I said the movie was fine but if you really want to know what's on my mind, I have to be honest I just don't see things moving forward. He asked why, I told him I just didn't feel a connection and just don't see a future with us. He repeatedly kept saying well that sucks and bummer. He asked what kind of connection I'm looking for, I said I can't describe how a connection should feel but I know I didn't feel it with him (I didn't feel I needed to get into the depth as I wasn't changing my mind and strongly didn't want another date with him). 
   Like HOW did he not pick up on any of my social cues all evening? I had even been leaning away from him on the couch to not cuddle. He would kiss me, and I would say I was [trying to] watch the movie. Like it really shouldn't have been as big of a shocker. Then he asked if he could have one last kiss.
   Again WHY????
   I haven't wanted to kiss him all evening, I tell him things are done and he still wants another kiss. I was like ok. We went downstairs so he could leave, and he asked me to reconsider as he would really like to continue things. I didn't say anything. Then he hugged and kissed me goodbye. He literally started his vehicle and was already backing out of my driveway like I don't even know how he was fully in his vehicle before he was backing out."

"Oh, and I can't believe I forgot this part. Maxwell asked if I was a picture person and I said yes. So, he pulled out his cell phone to take a selfie of us."

Oh. my. fuck. Where do I start? Was anyone else physically cringing while reading this?

I am not kidding when I say that I had to walk away to collect my thoughts on this one haha. Went and gave my hair a blowout while I let this simmer.

Honestly, I think about this a lot. I know the person who sent me this is going to read this and know that this is not a criticism of your dating ability but a criticism of our society. I feel like women have been conditioned SO HARD to cater to making men comfortable at the expense of our own comfort. And that was my initial thought upon hearing this.

For context, referring back to their first date [Thursday] this person had told me Maxwell made a statement that he wanted to move slow. It is ALWAYS the men who want to go slow who love bomb.

Click here to learn more about love bombing.

As you can tell our friend was already not feeling this second date and by lack of texting him prior to date and lackluster attitude, you would think he kind of would have the idea. Except, men are raised with this entitlement and therefore were never taught to analyze these things that women often pick up on. It is not that we are smarter [though we are] but think about it…

How many times did an adult in your life [typically mothers and women figures] taught you to cross your arms or stop smiling when you are in an uncomfortable position with a man? We have been taught from a young age how to protect ourselves but never stopped to teach our men about consent, boundaries, body language.

Also, I had to laugh at the heavy breathing. That’s how you know you are NOT interested in them.

Okay so she didn’t sit close to him on the couch, was the only one pulling away when kissing, snickered when he expressed that he missed her, tries to ignore him and you’re telling me he didn’t see any of this?? Bullshit. I know that they aren’t stupid. Was he really raised with such an ego that he can’t tell when someone is uninterested? Now I do acknowledge that not everybody has the same way of reading body language and social cues. But it is not an excuse to make women feel uncomfortable.

I physically felt this while reading…because I have been there. If you have dated men, I am sure you also could place yourself in the exact moment to feel how she felt. And that is quite sad.

Now the first part of the story was cringey. The second half is just not. okay. No is no. I’m not interested means I’m not interested. Repeat after me… we do not owe men an explanation.

I do want to note that she personally said she did not feel unsafe, but I find it important to mention that there would be many people who would feel unsafe. And what do you do? You play along. Because what if he gets violent?

I’ll be honest, the last part was hard to hear. Why does this mediocre man think he is entitled to a “goodbye kiss and hug”? And the thing is, as women we have it screwed so deep into our subconscious to go with it. Whether or not you fear for his reaction, we go along with it. Because society has taught us to put the comfort of a man above our own.

****Trigger warning: Rape**** skip to the next section

It is the same reason that women lay still when their attackers rape them. And the same way we are taught to walk on eggshells when our fathers are in a bad mood. And the same way women are shamed for being too slutty or too much of a prude when men are acclaimed sex gods or ladies’ man or a “good boy” for the same things. It’s so goddamn exhausting.

As a survivor of rape- I will never forget one conversation I had with my best friend [cis-het white male]. One of the times I was assaulted I was with a man who was in the military, and he carried a gun on him. He had at least 5 inches on me [I am 5’10] and was a big muscular dude. He started kissing me and I told him to back off and he kept trying to convince me until I finally made it quick, and I let him out and blocked his number.

When I told my friend this story, he looked me dead in the eyes and told me that I could have gotten up and left. I could have gotten up and left. I could have gotten up and left.

Those words ran through my mind and the rage that bubbled out of me…

Luckily this was on facetime as we live in separate states and that was good for him because it would have been on sight. We have since had a conversation about risk assessment and how I would rather sit and be raped than potentially have him get violent. Especially with him packing a gun and having the emotional intelligence of a young army recruit. You just close your eyes and let it happen. And yes, this is FUCKED. But it’s reality. And it happens…to sooooo many poor people.

Ultimately, men suck. This story is gross. You can laugh, rage, or cringe at it with me. If anyone would like to share your cringe dating stories with me head over to the Contact page and send it over and I would be happy to share it on here.

The only thing men collectively have… is the audacity.

Anyways thanks for listening to my ramblings!

7 responses to “where do men find the audacity?”

  1. I’m a man and this pisses me off…so sorry this happened to you, I’m getting mad that men act like women were made for their (P!N&S ) and make the rest of us men who act like men and love women…well to be lumped in…I pray for peace and healing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading! I think it is important for men to be angry because a lot of this behavior continues because men aren’t holding other men accountable for ‘smaller’ things such as locker room talk and practicing toxic masculinity. Every single person has some internalized gender roles and toxic masculinity that they need to work through due to our societal history, and it is important to have these conversations.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. chattingaboutgod Avatar

        thanks Caley…Dave
        p/s…hope we can chat in the future… : )

        Liked by 2 people

      2. chattingaboutgod Avatar

        I’ll tell why men that act that way, just pisses me off, when your 17-21 years old your figuring out who you are and by then you had a few dates with women and I’m sure the woman/women has told them the same thing…yes i like/love sex, but I need to feel like I’m a person and not a place where your penis gets wet, ( sorry for being graphic ) I was young too and I was ( WAS ) like that, but if you want to have sex, then get to know the woman, I have found out sex is alot better and often ! : )

        Liked by 1 person

      3. chattingaboutgod Avatar

        Hi Caley,
        I re read my last post, and I think I was a little crude in my response, in discribing of the “playboys’ sorry if it didn’t sit well with you in what I said,
        I hope you have happy dates in the future

        Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so spot on! ABSODAMNLUTELY! I’ve been in this situation many times! I wrote an article for the Bitter Southerner a few years ago called Smile, Damn It. It’s all about how I’d reached a place in my life with this kind of thing, coupled with being told to smile by men I’ve never met before, be “lady like,” don’t hurt his feelings etc. Women reach a point where we feel we have no right to say anything–we wonder it even as we are being attacked. The same attackers think we must want it because we freeze (even when violence isn’t initially apparent) but they can’t fathom how we feel because they aren’t silenced from birth, we are. Thank you so much for sharing this! We need to have these conversations AS MANY DAMN TIMES AS IT TAKES!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just read your article, and YES. It is also the double standard!! Like no matter what we do we always are in the wrong. If we smile too much, we’re trying too hard and if we don’t smile, we’re a bitch. It is so exhausting. I grew up in the Midwest so I can’t imagine the difference in the south when you add in the southern hospitality aspect.

      You mentioned your grandma in the article…one of the points I drive the most is that women often are the reinforcers of misogyny. My mom used to tell me (at a ripe age of like 8) to go put on more clothes when adult men came into the house. Like…why are you worried about a grown man sexualizing an 8 yo? At the end of the day mothers and grandmothers often are trying to protect us but they also stuff gender roles and misogyny down our throats.

      Liked by 1 person

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